May - June
5/2/22 -- What Others Think
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." -- Steve Jobs
"I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet." -- Mahatma Gandhi
How often do you think about what others think of you? How many of your problems could be resolved if you let go of those concerns? And, once you've decided you want to, how do you stop thinking about what other people think and focus on yourself instead?
Here are 5 tips on how to disconnect from others opinions and and begin to focus on yourself.
Stop Comparing Yourself To Others -- If you find yourself spending mental energy on what other people are doing and thinking, make a plan to distract yourself, like watching a funny video or snapping a rubber band on your wrist.
Keep A Journal -- When good things happen to you, write them down. Every night, write down at least three good things that happened that day. Every couple of weeks, you will be able to go back and see all of the good things that happened to you while you were focusing on yourself and not worrying about how other people feel about you.
Take Time to Invest in Yourself -- Pick up a new hobby or skill that will make you happy. Consider where you want to be in five years and focus on taking steps towards that goal rather than being preoccupied with what others think about you.
Love and Accept Who You Are and Appreciate Your Uniqueness -- Are you perfect? Yes! Yes, you are perfect. No one else can be you. You are a unique human being with skills and experiences that no one else has.
Never let other people steal your energy -- The goal is to remain neutral to others and outside forces and to keep aligned in the center of yourself.
The key is to remember that your own thoughts and feelings should govern your goals and dreams. If you abide by the thoughts and feelings of others you'll end up at THEIR finish line instead of your own.
5/9/22 -- Identifying Emotions
Pick an emotion that you would like to get better at handling. Maybe you would like to lessen your anger. Or decrease your sadness. Or maybe you find it difficult to manage feelings of excitement. Whatever it may be, bring that emotion fully to mind.
Next, think about the most recent time that you felt that emotion, what was happening, what were the details of the situation. Bring the incident to mind fully.
Now, I'd like you to describe that emotion as a
COLOR
WEATHER
LANDSCAPE
SOUND
FOOD
For instance, if I were describing anxiety, I might say that: Anxiety is BRIGHT orange, it's intrusive and upsetting to look at. It hurts my eyes and makes me squint and turn away. It's a hurricane and a tornado happening all at once, with chaos and fear abounding. There is rain, and wind and terror. It's landscape is a fault line, cracking beneath my feet, with a feeling of terror as my feet spread trying to keep myself on both sides of the line. And it sounds like 4 different radio stations playing country, heavy metal, rap and a news broadcast all at the same time. I can't pay attention to any one of those things and there's too much noise! Anxiety (for me) is sauerkraut, and it tastes bitter and unpleasant. My throat is tight just thinking about eating it, and I don't want to put it in my mouth, but I need to.
When I describe anxiety that way, do you FEEL it? Do you understand it? I encourage you to describe your own emotions in this context, to quantify them and understand them more fully. This exercise will help you get in touch with how your emotions can impact you physically and how your physical reactions can indicate to you what your emotions are doing within your body.
5/16/22 -- Circles of Control
Anxiety is often related to a sense of control; anxiety can be caused by a lack of a sense of control in one or more areas of life. This lack of control can cause a powerless feeling in the face of fears and worries. The lack of a sense of control can leave us feeling anxious, worried, or fearful when we don't think we should be. When you feel a vague, nagging worry, tension, edginess, or irritability but, frustratingly, can't identify a reason, perhaps the anxiety is connected to sense of control.
The crux of the problem is the demand for certainty in a world that is always tentative and uncertain. It is precisely this unrealistic demand that creates the anxiety. You think that you must accurately predict and manage the future, not just have some probabilistic and uncertain handle on it.
So, today, I'd like you to do the following:
1. Make a List of your worries and fears. The things that cause you the most anxiety.
2. Draw two large circles on a piece of paper.
3. Now, sort your list putting what you CAN control or change in one circle and what you CANNOT control or change in the other.
4. Think about the following meditation:
"Serenity comes from accepting the things I cannot change, having the courage to change the things I can, and having the wisdom to know the difference".
5. Now, answer these questions:
Which circle is giving you the most anxiety?
Is it controllable?
What will you do to take action on the things you can take action on?
Remember, We don't have to remain passive victims of anxiety, at its mercy with no control. We can gain power. We can increase our sense of control over anxiety.
5/23/22 -- Savoring The Moment
In psychology, savoring the moment refers to intentionally focusing your attention on the positive aspects of an experience. When you do this, you notice the sensations, perceptions, emotions, actions, and thoughts that are linked to a particular moment, event, or experience. Today I'd like us to explore some techniques for learning to "Savor the Moment" and focus on the positives in life rather than the negatives.
1. Focus on the Details -- It's possible to go through a day stuck in ruminations about the past or anxiety over the future, never really seizing the moment and noticing the pleasant things that are happening. You often end up missing out on important experiences. So, instead, as you "savor the moment", notice the little things that can make a day special-the smile of a friend, the kindness of a stranger, the beauty of a sunset.
2. Focus on the Positive -- Our brains are hard wired to look for the negative (this is called "negativity bias") in order to keep us safe from threats around us. To "savor the moment", we need to consciously notice what's going right, and appreciate it.
3. Focus on Gratitude -- Gratitude can improve your ability to think positively and "savor the moment". Begin to consciously take notice of all the nice things that people do for you. Or simply notice what you enjoy about people when they're just themselves.
Appreciate what goes right in your day as it happens, and write it down in a gratitude journal at night. This is a surprisingly effective way to both raise your level of daily gratitude and build a record of all the things in your life that can make you happy. When you're having a bad day, you can turn to your journal as a reminder of all the great things you have in your life.
How will you plan to "Savor the Moment" today and in the days to come?
5/30/22 -- Expectations and Disappointment.
Let's talk about Expectations and Disappointment today. Expectations can trap us when we cannot see past them. Your expectations going into any situation will always determine how you will feel after the event has taken place. When we consider taking any action, we form prior expectations (both big small). And if the outcome is worse than expected, we experience disappointment. If the outcome exceeds our expectation, we feel happy or even motivated to keep pursuing other goals. Expectations sometimes stem from misguided certainty. When we lead with them and come out with something very different from our desires, disappointment is typically the result. When an expectation is not met, the result is anxiety, inner turmoil, and disappointment if not managed.
So how do we adjust our expecations to be realistic so that our disappointments don't trap us? Here are a few questions to walk through the next time you are disappointed by a situation or event:
1) Were your expectations realistic? Sometimes we overestimate our own abilities, or overestimate the abilities of others around us and we expect things that are not attainable. This leads to disappointment and negative feelings.
2) How much effort did you put in? This goes back a bit to the realistic question. If we don't make effort or take actions toward our goals, the real outcome is that we don't reach our goals.
3) Did anything unexpected happen? Sometimes, realistically, things occur that we didn't anticipate. These unanticipated events can change the outcome of our goals. At times we'll need to adjust our expectations accordingly.
4) What did you learn from this disappointment? Perhaps the event led to you having a better understanding of your realistic abilities. Or maybe it led to you learning something new that can enhance those abilities. Either way, there is something valuable to be gained in examining the situation closely for lessons to be learned.
5) What would you do differently? In the future, how would you adjust your expectations or your actions to change the outcome of the situation?
Ultimately, expectations and effort are completely within our control. So disappointment does not need to trap us any longer.
6/6/22 -- Imposter Syndrome
Impostor syndrome is the experience of feeling like a phony—you feel as though at any moment you are going to be found out as a fraud—like you don't belong where you are, and you only got there through dumb luck. It can affect anyone no matter their social status, work background, skill level, or degree of expertise. Common signs of impostor syndrome include:
An inability to realistically assess your competence and skills
Attributing your success to external factors
Berating your performance
Fear that you won't live up to expectations
Overachieving
Sabotaging your own success
Self-doubt
Setting very challenging goals and feeling disappointed when you fall short
To move past these feelings, you need to become comfortable confronting some of those deeply ingrained beliefs you hold about yourself. This exercise can be hard because you might not even realize that you hold them, but here are some techniques you can use:
Share your feelings. Talk to other people about how you are feeling. Irrational beliefs tend to fester when they are hidden and not talked about.
Assess your abilities. If you have long-held beliefs about your incompetence in social and performance situations, make a realistic assessment of your abilities. Write down your accomplishments and what you are good at, and compare that with your self-assessment.
Take baby steps. Don't focus on doing things perfectly, but rather, do things reasonably well and reward yourself for taking action. For example, in a group conversation, offer an opinion or share a story about yourself.
Question your thoughts. As you start to assess your abilities and take baby steps, question whether your thoughts are rational. Does it make sense to believe that you are a fraud, given everything that you know?
Stop comparing. Every time you compare yourself to others in a social situation, you will find some fault with yourself that fuels the feeling of not being good enough or not belonging. Instead, during conversations, focus on listening to what the other person is saying. Be genuinely interested in learning more.
Use social media moderately. We know that the overuse of social media may be related to feelings of inferiority. If you try to portray an image on social media that doesn't match who you really are or that is impossible to achieve, it will only make your feelings of being a fraud worse.
Stop fighting your feelings. Don't fight the feelings of not belonging. Instead, try to lean into them and accept them. It's only when you acknowledge them that you can start to unravel those core beliefs that are holding you back.
Refuse to let it hold you back. No matter how much you feel like you don't belong, don't let that stop you from pursuing your goals. Keep going and refuse to be stopped.
6/14/22 -- Positive Self Care
Good Morning! I know I said I would be out of the office until next week, but I wanted to quickly check-in and give you something to work on while I'm away. I know, it's like the teacher leaving homework for the substitute to give you when you were in school!
Today's exercise is about self care and filling your proverbial "tank". It's true that the day to day stressors of life can often make us feel depleted and run down, tired, and "empty". If we allow them to, they can begin to etch away at our confidence, self esteem, relationships, and love for life.
Conversely, the day to day positive moments that we have can make us feel energized, joyful, and "full" of life. If we allow them to, they can begin to strengthen our confidence, self esteem, relationships and love for life.
Wait, I see what I did there. Do you recognize the comparison? It's all about what we ALLOW in our lives. We are the drivers of this car and we get to determine who rides in it. So, instead of consistently focusing on the list of things that are going wrong around us, it's time we started to focus on a list of things that is going RIGHT.
Today, I am incredibly grateful for my family. Over the past few days, we have driven some 354 miles, had a birthday breakfast celebration for a dear friend, viewed at least 8 waterfalls in all their glory and majesty, walked on the beach twice, hiked in the woods A LOT, played the most hilarious game of Uno we've played in years, and truly enjoyed being with each other.
Don't get me wrong, there have been mishaps along the way, the bill at the breakfast restaurant was not quite right, we couldn't find a gas station that had a particular item my husband was looking for, we damaged a shock on our vehicle and had to find a repair place, and one of our planned tour activities got cancelled because the tour guide got COVID. But I'm not allowing those things to "hitch a ride" in my car. It's already too full with the GOOD stuff.
So, today, try to focus on the moments that fill your tank, instead of the moments that drain it.
6/20/22 -- Building a Support Network
Studies have demonstrated that social isolation and loneliness are associated with a greater risk of poor mental health and poor cardiovascular health, as well as other health problems. Other studies have shown the benefit of a network of social support, including the following:
Improving the ability to cope with stressful situations
Alleviating the effects of emotional distress
Promoting lifelong good mental health
Enhancing self-esteem
Lowering cardiovascular risks, such as lowering blood pressure
Promoting healthy lifestyle behaviors
Encouraging adherence to a treatment plan
If you want to improve your mental health and your ability to combat stress, surround yourself with at least a few good friends and confidants. Here are some ideas for building your social network:
Volunteer. Pick a cause that's important to you and get involved. You're sure to meet others who share similar interests and values.
Join a gym or fitness group. Incorporating physical fitness into your day is an important part of a healthy lifestyle. You can make friends while you exercise. Look at gyms in your area or check a local community center.
Take a class. A local college or community education course puts you in contact with others who share similar hobbies or pursuits.
Look online. Social networking sites can help you stay connected with friends and family. Many good sites exist for people going through stressful times, such as chronic illness, loss of a loved one, a new baby, divorce and other life changes. Be sure to stick to reputable sites, and be cautious about arranging in-person meetings.
Seeking help and support is a sign of strength because no one can handle everything alone. In order to build your support team, I'd like you to identify individuals for the following categories, who can you go to for these things?
Words of encouragement
Problem solving advice
Physical comfort
Spiritual support
Counseling
Mentorship
6/27/22 -- Self Empowerment
I generally do not allow politics to become a part of my therapeutic work with clients. Each of us has our own views and opinions. And though today's topic is on my mind because of recent political events, I'm hopeful that the message behind it will not be lost in any political disagreement on the subject.
On June 24, 2022, the Supreme Court made the decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. A woman or birthing person's right to an abortion is no longer protected under federal law, and the effects of this ruling will have widespread results. No matter which side of the aisle you are on with regard to this opinion, I know that everyone understands that this is a significant moment in our history, very similar to the moment when Roe V. Wade became "law of the land" back in 1973.
With these significant historical milestones often comes a lot of introspection ("How does this impact ME? What are my values and beliefs on this topic?") and existential pondering ("What are the universal human rights? When does life begin? What happens when we die?"). These questions can lead to some frightening realizations or heavy feelings.
Whichever questions you might be asking yourself, it's important that you don't stay alone in those feelings. Process them with someone you trust and feel comfortable with. (Last week's exercise that worked on building and nurturing your support network could be useful here too.) Take time to acknowledge your own feelings and find peace and comfort in that space. And as always, if you need support, information, resources, or just an ear to listen to you, I'm here. And I'm more than willing to work through these thoughts right along with you. Together we have the ability to face big historical milestones and come out on the other side healthier and stronger in the long run.